THE FIFTH SUFFERING – RELATIONSHIPS

Recognised as ‘The Original Buddha’ Siddhārtha Gautama recognised that suffering in life is inherent and inevitable and categorised these as the four sufferings:

• Birth
• Sickness
• Old Age
• Death

Siddhārtha Gautama was a prince and grew in the lap of luxury. In fact his father was so concerned that his son did not encounter the ‘under belly’ of life that he forbade him to leave the castle in which they lived. For many years Siddhārtha complied with his father’s wishes, until puberty kicked in! His teenage mind rebelled and so he would journey out amongst the people to learn for himself the ways of the world.

On his first journey he went to the North gate of the castle where he saw a woman giving birth. This must have been quite a shock to the young Siddhārtha, and certainly not something that he would have seen before – it left a significant impression on the young man’s growing mind.

The next day Siddhārtha visited the South gate of the castle where he saw a group of lepers, and again the young man took learning form what he saw.

On the third day he visited the East gate of the castle and saw and old man, wizened with age, bent over a walking stick.

Finally, on the fourth day Siddhārtha witnessed a funeral procession and thus began his understanding of the fours sufferings. Buddhism teaches that not only are these sufferings universal but also inevitable therefore it’s not a matter of avoidance, for no one can avoid these sufferings, but a matter of how we deal with them when they occur.

“Buddhism teaches that the four sufferings of birth, aging, sickness and death are an inescapable part of life. The crucial thing is not to be defeated by them.” – Daisaku Ikeda.

However, I believe there to be another universal suffering – that of relationships.

Had Siddhārtha witnessed, for instance, an argument or disagreement between two people maybe he would have reached the same conclusion for it too is one of life’s unavoidable sufferings.

Apart from global conflicts think about the suffering that is felt due to difficult relationships, be it between husband and wife and family members but also between rivals, between colleagues and even business partners – surely at some time or another we have all felt this suffering in one form or another?

Therefore we must take The Buddha’s advice and not be defeated by them but to recognise them for what they are, employ strategies that reduce conflict but ultimately deal with those inevitable conflicts and arguments in a different and hopefully in a far more positive way.

ANGER – THE BUDDHIST (& EI) PERSPECTIVE

Buddhism teaches that there are aspects in life that create disharmony and conflict. They are collectively known as the three poisons;

• Greed
• Anger
• Ignorance

Greed and Ignorance will be discussed in future blogs, for now I will concentrate on something that is current – that of the poison of Anger.

The situations in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq and every other area consumed by conflict are pertinent examples.

Anger is what is considered as a predominate life state i.e.  something that we manifest, often out of habit and through the lack of an alternative repertoire but ultimately, as it’s often a behavioural characteristic, something that we have a degree of control over and therefore need not be a life state that governs and controls our existence.

Although anger is considered as a primarily negative force there are obviously times and situations where Anger can be considered as a positive driving force. Example – the fight for injustice.

However, Anger tends to manifest itself in far more negative ways; conflict, war, disrespect, etc.

These are considered to be the positive and negative aspects of anger:

+ Passion to fight injustice and create a better world; a creative force for change.

- A state of egotism and self-righteousness, in which we cannot bear to lose.  This will inevitably result in conflict.

So, if we have a degree of control over Anger, how do we overcome it? We all have had those times in our lives when we are angry, when we lash out against an injustice that has befallen us. But the question we have to ask ourselves is ‘Is this appropriate?’ Are we lashing out for the sake of it, simply as an emotional reaction to a given set of circumstances where eventually our ‘button has been pressed’ and we react? Or, are we taking a stand against some injustice where to do nothing is in some way condoning or pacifly accepting the unacceptable?

The art is in knowing which is which and understanding the difference between the two. Therefore, in terms of emotional intelligence and impulse control, if we undergone the three states of arousal and have gone from being aroused, into becoming agitated resulting in becoming angry we must ask ourselves if our emotional reaction to that stimulus is appropriate or otherwise. Are we just reacting without any impulse control having been ‘hard done by’ and reacting in the only way we know how, or are we standing up for a guiding principle? Once we ask these questions we often find that most of our angry outbursts are in fact destructive, and once we know this we are in a far better place to having a degree of control over them.

All we have to do is think before we react. Emotional intelligence teaches us that we feel before we think, but as cognitive humans beings we then have the opportunity to process before we react.  Just a thought!

THE CRAFT OF HEALTH & HAPPINESS

Of all the things we cherish most; surely Health and Happiness are the most precious are they not? We all have many things in our lives that fill us with joy; family, friends, worthwhile and (hopefully) meaningful careers, passion projects, fulfilling pastimes, hobbies, adventures and the like. But without the two essentials of health and happiness think how these activities (and by all means please list your own) would suffer if we were not healthy and happy.

Think of how many would be very difficult, if not impossible, to do if we lost our physical capacities? Also think about how we would enjoy these activities far less if we were depressed or grieving for instance? Therefore happiness is predominately subjective, depending upon our state of mind, how we view things and often coloured by events.

But how much of a degree of control overdo we have over our health ad happiness?

Recently I came across an alternative definition of the difference between Art and Craft which stated that ‘Art is the inspiration and Craft the perspiration’. Therefore Art is the idea whereas Craft is the action. That is why I have entitled this article The Craft of Health and Happiness as opposed to The Art i.e. because action is required we have a far better chance of influencing the outcome. It’s like the difference between Fate or Destiny and Karma. Fate and Destiny often rely on the influence of some ‘invisible hand’ whereas Karma relies on the individual person’s actions as opposed to some magical, mystical force.

The fact of the matter is we, as sentient human beings, have the unique ability to influence both our health and as well as our happiness. How so? I hear you ask? Accepting there are illnesses, injuries and accidents that are unavoidable we still have incredible opportunities to positively affect our health. This is what we do. We maintain our diets, we sustain exercise and we explore preventative therapies – how amazing! How truly sentient!

The same can also be said about how we influence our happiness. Yes there are events in our lives which we would never wish to draw upon ourselves but predominately how we view the world and interact with it often determines how the world responds does it not? We all (hopefully again) have those times in our lives when everything is going well, when we are energetic and enthusiastic, where everything seems to just fall into place, every plan enacted, every action rewarded, which inevitably makes us really happy. But think about it; during those times when everything is going right what are we actually doing? We are taking action! We are doing something that actually moves us forwards, towards our happiness. Because the reverse is also true, in that if we do nothing, we eventually end up with nothing, which is the antithesis of happiness.

Therefore Health and Happiness is a Craft, something that we work on. Something that we can actually do something about in order to eliminate apathy. Something that we can change and influence. Something that we can work towards, not as passive spectators, but in the driving seats of our own lives.

GREED – THE BUDDHIST PERSPECTIVE

Buddhism teaches that there are aspects in life that create disharmony and conflict. They are collectively known as the three poisons;

• Greed
• Anger
• Ignorance

Anger and Ignorance will be discussed in future blogs, for now I will concentrate on something that is current – that of the poison of Greed.

Excessive board room bonuses at a time of crippling austerity is testament to this point.

Buddhism defines greed as an insatiable appetite where not matter how much we have, we always crave more.  This can manifest itself in many ways; we eat too much, we earn money but always want more. We have cars, houses, clothes and gadgets but always crave a better car, a nicer house, fancier or more fashionable clothes and the need to be up to date with the latest gadgets.

But why is this so? Because the whole of Western society not only places such high value of the purchase of these commodities in terms of status but that our economies are entirely based on their consumption to ensure growth. If we as citizens (or consumers) decide that we are not going to be sucked into the ad man’s dream of wanting to keep up with the Jones’s we would face economic ruin as our economies would simply not grow, and if we have zero growth this dictates everything from bank leading rates, to savings, pensions, and even the value of our currency. For the fact of the matter is this: unless our economies grow they stagnate, and when they stagnate, they decline.

Consequently this insatiable appetite for growth means that even if we are full we are force fed all the more. ‘Buy this’, ‘consume that’ and to hell with credit cards and loans. Our record government and personal debts are also testament to this point!

So what is the solution I hear you ask? Do we recognise this tendency to be sucked in to this greed cycle and begin with addressing our own greed? Partially, yes. Do we rely on the authorities to overcome our problems for us? Let’s hope not. Or do we not allow ourselves to be manipulated, sold or influenced? I believe that the solutions to these challenges lie with the person we see in the mirror and the actions we take as responsible and aware human beings.

Know the wisdom of being patient during times of inactivity.

This is a saying from my first sensei’s (Japanese for teacher) sensei; a man called Toshitsugu Takamatsu whose student was Masaaki Hatsumi the current 34th Grandmaster of Ninjutsu.

Much like Sun Tzu’s famous Art of War there as some obvious military and martial connotations to this quotation but there are also others that equally apply to the day to day struggles within our lives that often dictate whether we win or lose.

For example, for me January is often a time when I am less busy than the rest of the year. This is simply one of those aspects of my chosen career i.e. companies tend to book as many training courses at this time of year, just one of those seasonal variations. So being patient is certainly something that I have to do at this time.

Consequently it becomes one of those, as football managers are fond of saying, ‘squeaky bum moments’ where you have to really keep you nerve and indeed, find some other way to occupy your time. So here’s what I decided to do; something different.

When I say different, I don’t mean radically different. I didn’t decide that i would become an astronaut or a formula 1 racing driver, I was a lot more SMART about it. Einstein famously gave this definition; “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Therefore if I wanted a different result I’d have to try a new approach. So when I assessed the assets at my disposal (my skills, abilities & experiences etc.) I then began to explore identifying a need for my services, and it didn’t take long for a direction to become apparent.

One of my greatest loves is of ‘the beautiful game’; football and over the last few weeks and months a whole bunch of issues have become more than apparent; (especially regarding the sad case of Gary Speeds tragic suicide) footballers are under an enormous amount of constant pressure with seemingly very little support. This point was recently illustrated by the ex England cricketer Andrew Flintoff with his programme about depression (see previous blog; Depression, the silent killer) and it’s debilitating (and occasionally, life threatening) effects.

In the programme Flintoff interviewed a number of high profile sports personalities revealing how wide and deep this problem really is. So I got to thinking about the welfare support programmes that football clubs have in place for the players.

This has lead me to opening negotiations with most of the premiership football clubs in the North and the general consensus is that although some clubs have these support mechanisms in place, most tend not to. Although, fortunately, there is a growing awareness of these issues and certainly an openness to explore them.

So what point am I trying to make here? If I’d been busy in January I most certainly would have got on with the work and done very little about exploring this avenue. So it’s not only a matter of being patient during times of inactivity, but also seeing it as an opportunity to regroup and re-gather ones thoughts in order to apply a new strategy. I think Sun Tzu would concur!

Who knows it might even turn into a really interesting journey?
In closing another famous saying comes to mind; If you always do what you’ve always done then you will always get what always got. In short; if you want to have a different outcome you going to have to do something different.

So what are you going to do different this year?

DETERMINATIONS

The New Year is upon us already, a time when we renew our determinations for the coming 12 months ahead. I know I do and I’ll assume that you too have your own resolutions and have set your own goals as to what you are likely to achieve this year.

I remember when I was a kid I used to have a fascination with acrobats where one trick in particular used to fascinate me; that of someone running up a wall and doing a back flip to land on their feet – amazing! And because as a kid you believe that you are invincible I tried as hard as I could to master that feat, with predictable results – never ant broken bones but many bruises and stars spinning around my head!

In short, I learned that there were some things; no matter how much I may have wanted them or however hard I tried, I would not and could not achieve them. As adults we have learned what we are capable of doing and become SMART. Our aspirations and goals become more Specific, they are Measurable, a lot more Achievable and Realistic and of course given a realistic and achievable Timescale.

Let me put it this way if your determination for this year is to become an astronaut or a Premiership football player (unless you are already on course for these things) it’s just not going to happen is it?

So I trust that your goals for this year are SMART? But then what? You will notice I keep using the word determination as opposed to ‘New Year’s Resolution’, so why is that? Let’s face it; we’ve all made plenty of New Year’s Resolutions haven’t we? But ask yourself, how many have you actually kept and maintained? Most people when asked this say very few, if any, so again, why is this? It’s because a resolution is normally an ‘internal’ thing, a pact that we make with ourselves and rarely tell others as if it’s a wish whose spell would be broken if we were to tell another what that wish was.

Determinations are completely different as they include the most precious of elements; someone else. That someone else could easily be your partner, your children, your colleagues, your coach or your ‘group’. So long as it satisfies the principle of OAP; you have taken Ownership, you are taken Action and it’s Public. Then you have a much better chance of not only sticking to your determination but by the very fact that you are taking action a whole lot surer of ensuring it’s inevitable outcome.

Therefore I urge you to share your determinations far and wide and wish you every success that you so richly deserve.

Here are a few words of wisdom from my mentor, Daisaku Ikeda.

When your determination changes, everything else will begin to move in the direction your desire. The moment you resolve to be victorious, every nerve and fibre in your being will immediately orient itself toward your success.
On the other hand, if you think “This will never work out,” then at that instant every cell in your being will be defeated and give up the fight, and then everything really will move in the direction of failure.

WE NEED TO TALK – MAN TO MAN

Christmas comes but once a year – and thank goodness as this year’s ‘festive season’ seems to have been one of the most gruesome and grisly doesn’t it? Everyday there seemed to be another harrowing story of yet another killing. Senseless shootings and stabbings. Men killing family members and turning the gun on themselves.

I live in Cumbria and the year before last we had the tragedy of the Cumbria shootings and after the tragedy of Whitehaven I was left, like many others, asking the question why? Which leads to the obvious, how? How could a normally mild mannered person like Derek Bird become a mass murderer? What was it that drives a person to commit such an atrocity? What events have conspired against them for them to consider the unthinkable?

The only conclusion that I can reach is that we, as men, don’t have the opportunity to talk. OK men can banter but we never really get the chance to ‘get things off our chest’ and have true heart to heart dialogue with other men. We talk about work and sport and maybe about our families. But what about our frustrations, our challenges, our fears, our anger?

It is well known that women are far better at this and have far more opportunities to express themselves. Behavioural psychologists put this down to our ancient Hunter/Gatherer existence where men had to be quiet so as not to scare off out prey, whereas women, whilst gathering, could chat to their hearts content! When you think about it, how many women have ever been involved in a mass killing such as this? I can’t think of a single occasion this has happened. It always seems to be men, doesn’t it?

So, what’s the solution? I used to work at The Warrington Peace Centre which came about as a direct result of the IRA bombing of Warrington where Tim Parry and Jonathan Ball tragically lost their lives and their parents decided to turn such a horrendous experience into something positive. They created a place that people could gather, share their stories and experiences and create an understanding of each party’s issues. This has undoubtedly had a positive and lasting impact on the peace process in Northern Ireland.

So how do we go about doing this? What mechanism can we put in place in order for men to open up and engage? I think we need to talk more often – man to man about the challenges we face, the pressures we are under and how we cope. How we go about doing this is up to each and every one of us.

During the winter we are encouraged to consider our elderly neighbours and to check that they are safe and warm therefore I think we should also consider our male neighbours, colleagues and friends with equal compassion, and all we need to do is talk to them. Who knows we might even do some good?

ANOTHER YEAR OLDER ANOTHER YEAR BOLDER

This is the time of year when we tend to look back at our efforts and check our ‘tick list’ for the year.

At the beginning of this year I read a wonderful book called ‘The War of Art’ by Steven Pressfield which has left a lasting impression on me and certainly shaped my year. In it Steven outlines describes what he terms ‘resistance’ – the things that get in the way of any creative, or otherwise, endeavours. They include laziness, watching too much TV, food, chocolate, sex and drugs and rock’n’roll etc etc. All of those things that we do that keep us away from our ‘work’.

He goes on to explain that resistance is in fact good for us and the greater the resistance, not only the greater the reward, but also the proof that we are actually doing something worthwhile, otherwise these obstacles to our progress would not be put in our way for have you ever noticed that when we are attempting to fulfil something worthwhile (study, raise a family, raise our life state) ‘things’ always seem to get in the way? In short, if it’s easy to do everyone would be doing it and it’s only the brave that attempt something difficult.

I like to think of resistance in terms of weight training. The smaller the resistance the smaller our muscles are but when we increase the weight the stronger they become!

He also talks about the difference between an amateur and a professional, and no it’s not that the professional gets paid. The difference lies in the simple act of turning up. The professional shows up, day in, day out. Hopefully we have all had jobs, and what is the basics requirement of any and all jobs?…We show up! We then have to put the effort in to be called a true professional. And this too is the basic requirement of any and all of our endeavours – we turn up and we put in the effort.

So, if your check list is missing a few ticks then consider the above and ask yourself the question ‘Did I show up?’ If you didn’t then there is no point in blaming someone else or situations and circumstances as we know who it is that is ultimately responsible, don’t we? And if you did but still did not reach your preferred destination then give yourself a break, at least you were there. You showed up and therefore made all the right causes which is, let’s face it, the one thing we have got some degree of control over as the effects tend to look after themselves.

Enjoy the holidays and set yourself even greater goals for the coming year. Yes, you’ll have resistance but you’ll also become stronger!

A IS FOR AFGHANISTAN
Do you remember the saying ‘Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms’?
Between the ages of 19-21 I spent time in Her Majesties Armed Forces as an Officer Cadet in the Territorial Army. Officer Cadets go on to a place called The Sandhurst Military Academy in order to become Officers. It sounds like a distinguished seat of learning doesn’t it, where boys become men? Presumably, therefore, this seat of learning has a library? A place where Officer Cadets can go and learn of conflicts past, of victories won and lessons learned.
Why therefore has no one looked up ‘A for Afghanistan’? Surely the ‘A’ section must be easy to find? Right by the entrance door would be my guess! Here’s the point – NO ONE WINS A WAR IN AFGHANISTAN. Alexander the Great did not mange it in 330 – 327 BC. The Mongols were defeated in the 13th century. The British perished in the thousands in the TWO wars The British were involved in the years 1839 – 1842 and then again in 1878 -1871 and of course the Soviets had a go between 1979 – 1989 and we all know what happened there!
And now look what’s happening. The spectre of sectarian violence between two diametrically opposed religious groups, who each consider having the ‘same God’ and where The British Army is caught in the middle and attacked from both sides. This all sounds too familiar in our involvement in wars on not so foreign shores does it not? My generation still recall the horror of The Troubles in Northern Ireland and so we find ourselves in the same position.
So I ask this? Is no one reading and books at The Sandhurst Military Academy?

DEPRESSION – THE SILENT KILLER

At present no one really knows the reasons why Gary Speed, the Wales football coach committed suicide, but there seems to be a consensus that he was depressed, and that no one knew anything about it.
It sounds almost impossible, certainly improbable, that anyone who apparently ‘had it all’ would want to do such a thing. In Gary’s case; an outstanding career, a beautiful wife and children, a magnificent house and more money in the bank than you or I will probably make in our lifetime – but apparently this still wasn’t enough.
Also, it seems like such a surprise, a shock even, that someone with so much going for them, with so much drive (otherwise he certainly would not have achieved what he did manage to accomplish in his lifetime) and loved by so many people; most of whom are completely stunned by his decision to end his life as they all seem to state that ‘we never saw it coming.’ But maybe herein lies the problem?
I’m currently reading an excellent book which I have been trying to get a copy of for quite some time entitled Depressive Illness – the curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher, whose basic premise is that it’s precisely the driven and the focussed who are more inclined towards depression than others. The laid back and none committed, although prone to depression, tend not to display depressive symptoms as much as those who are driven ‘to the point of distraction’. Dr Cantopher explains how the driven are more likely to ‘run on empty’ for so long that they inevitably have a break in their limbic system in the brain which runs most of our basic thought processes, this break being compared to a break in an electrical circuit i.e. you can’t run 18 amps through a 13 amp fuse without it blowing.
Therefore these results driven individuals, who are primarily self reliant, tend not to discuss their problems with others until it’s too late and no one knows why they took their lives, and is unsurprising quite common. Also these circumstances mirror what Buddhism teaches with regards to our reliance on ‘things’ that make us happy rather than our life state. Briefly, Buddhism (and indeed the basis of Guru-U) explains that our attachment to ‘things’ normally brings about suffering. It’s not the job that we have, or the car that we drive or the house we live in that are the be all and end all of our happiness, it’s more about our sense of purpose and how we balance our three essential aspects – Physical, Emotional and Spiritual.
Hopefully we have all experienced those times in our lives when things are running along just fine and if you think about it, this is normally when we have a complete balance between the three aspects. Physically we are ‘firing on all cylinders’; we are eating, sleeping and exercising well. Emotionally we are expressing ourselves and not allowing things to ‘bottle up’, and spiritually we fell ‘connected’. But why is it at others times we feel less than balanced? Normally it’s because we tend to neglect one of the above areas. We’re so busy we haven’t the time for a regular exercise program or we work so hard we are beginning to suffer from classic stress induced symptoms or that we have forgotten our spiritual ‘connectedness’.
So maybe this is what happened to poor Gary Speed? Maybe he was so busy that he simply ‘forgot’ and he was so driven and self reliant that his fuse blew and no one knew anything about it until it was tragically too late?
Dr Cantopher gives us a simple exercise in order to ask ourselves if we feel balanced or otherwise by getting us to ask ourselves three basic questions to ponder:
• What is it all for?
• What do I want?
• Where is the balance in my life?
Therefore we must all take note and look at our own lives in order to ‘self diagnose’ and to ask ourselves if we are driving too hard and to examine how balanced we are in terms of our three aspects and if we realise that we are indeed imbalanced then at least we have the knowledge to do something about it.
Good luck!